Man Found

After nearly a week of missing in action status, local stud "Brandon" was recovered by police Saturday near the town of Bridgewater NJ. Brandon, a psychology student at Brigham Young University is researching women who mutate during certain seasons into monster like she bears similar to those of the Old Testament. While conducting a case study of "Albearison" (pictured above) Brandon was attacked and drug by the she bear to a ditch just West of the Interstate I-287. He remained in the ditch for several days being kept alive by cheeseburgers thrown into the ditch by Albearison. A chain-gang clearing trash of the Interstate discovered Brandon early Saturday morning and alerted authorities. No word on the whereabouts of Albearison.